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Vladimir Putin Tells Nato "Ukraine Started Itttttt"

Published on May 20, 2024 by The Crow

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MOSS COW, RUSSIA — Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly sent a virtual delegation this Thursday to multiple NATO officials stating that, among other topics, Ukraine "...shoved first" and "...[is] being a real meanie-head for fighting back". When questioned about his motivation for the continued invasion, Putin replied that "[you guys] don't care about me do you? All you care about is Ukraine. I hate you. I'm never talking to you again!" and disconnected from the call.

This delegation follows a rather lackluster war campaign by Russia this winter, resulting in almost a net zero change on the frontline. This slow frontline movement is also attributed to Putin's new propaganda campaign "Slow and steady wins the war", which attempts to recruit new reserve soldiers to the war effort with fun prizes like novelty hats and thin slices of capitalism.

The Kremlin did not immediately respond for comment on this story. We think they were having a little pizza party. Can't blame them, really.