the crow ~ the best news

Breaking: Our News Team Scrambles For Content

Published on March 9, 2024 by The Crow

article image

OLD ORLEANS, LA — The world's most esteemed news source, The Crow, is facing an unprecedented crisis: a lack of inspiration. Mere days after its groundbreaking launch and subsequent meteoric rise to obscurity, the editorial team is struggling to fill its vast content void despite boasting a whopping five published articles.

"It's harder than it looks," admitted Head Writer, Ami Sky, staring despondently into the bottom of her third cup of emergency coffee. "We came out strong with that exposé on the dog-versus-raccoon situation, but it seems that local animal confusion doesn't happen at the rate we'd hoped."

The waning enthusiasm reflects in the recent content. One particularly lackluster story, titled "The Eye Watches Over You The Eye The Eye Watches Over You," offers no discernible point and seems to have been written by a malfunctioning predictive text algorithm.

Panic is setting in. "We even broke the Timothée Chalamet 'too cute' story. That's the nuclear option," said Jenkins. "It's bought us a few hours, but what comes next?"

Rumors are circulating that the team is considering desperate measures, including in-depth investigations into the existence of slightly-off center ceiling fans and deep dives into the lint collection patterns found in outdated dryers.

"We might even resort to actual news," whispered one anonymous source, their voice trembling with a mix of horror and desperation.

When asked for a comment, The Crow's enigmatic Editor-in-Chief, known only as The Shadow, offered this cryptic statement: "We always knew true journalism was a slow burn. The world may not be ready for our brilliance, but we shall persevere. Also… anyone seen a spare stapler?"