the crow ~ the best news

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Vladimir Putin Tells Nato "Ukraine Started Itttttt"

MOSS COW, RUSSIA — Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly sent a virtual delegation this Thursday to multiple NATO officials stating that, among other topics, Ukraine "...shoved first" and "...[is] being a real meanie-head for fighting back". When questioned about his... Read More

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Aliens Are Real, And They Like Journalism

ZAZZLE CRUNK, WOMPBLEEP — Zop blee floo droo gloop dribble womp womp. Zorp gleeb flump quizzle quap flibber mop quizzle blee quizzle glib. Wizzle flump zibble womp quoo blab clop glorp zazz drop zop croo mizzle woo dribble blab quoo gloop flump womp glib moo clop those gli... Read More

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Breaking: Our News Team Scrambles For Content

OLD ORLEANS, LA — The world's most esteemed news source, The Crow, is facing an unprecedented crisis: a lack of inspiration. Mere days after its groundbreaking launch and subsequent meteoric rise to obscurity, the editorial team is struggling to fill its vast content void... Read More

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Americas' Best News Site Gets New Branding

RURAL IDAHO, ID — "The Crow", Americas most trusted news source, just got a brand new look, and it stuns even the best of us here at The Crow. The bold rebrand comes as The Crow celebrates its 48th hour of continuous operation. When asked about the decision, a spokespe... Read More

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Local Dog Mistaken For Racoon, Chaos Ensues

SEATTLE, WA - In a bizarr turn of evnets, a local dog found himself at the senter of a neighboorhood uproar after being misidentified as a pesky racoon. The insedent occured late Tuesday nite when resident Martha Wilkins noticed an "enormous varmint" rummaging through he... Read More

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New Chess Rules: Breakdancing On The Board Is Strictly Prohibited

CHESSLAND, CL — Confirming what has been rumored for weeks, the International Convention Against Chess has announced its plans to ban break dancing on the chess board while a game is in session. This landmark decision comes right after the Convention banned chess entirely ... Read More

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"Dune: Part Two" Actor Timothée Chalamet Is Too Cute, Reports Say

HOLLYWOOD, CA — After filming the record-breaking movie release, "Dune: Part Two", actor Timothée Chalamet is facing criticism for being too cute according to men and women worldwide. Critics are saying Chalamet's cheekbones could cut glass, and his floppy hair defies al... Read More

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The Eye Watches Over You The Eye The Eye Watches Over You

UNKNOWN, N/A — The eye watches over you. You cannot escape the eye. It knows what you did. Is it your search history? Your grocery receipts? The camera on your laptop, forever reminding you of your unfortunate Zoom meeting attire choices? The eye judges. It mocks. Perhap... Read More